As I clean my house today (well was cleaning but sat down to write this) my heart if full and my mind keeps wondering around the topic of adoption. I just can't get this off my mind lately. This has been an open topic for our family for the last twelve years.
I feel like every time I look on Facebook or the Internet some type of quote about adoption appears or someone post a new picture of their baby....does this make me sad? Of course not, it makes me smile. I feel it is a sweet reminder from my Heavenly Father that He loves us all and everyone has their own set of trials in life. The baby pictures remind me that Heavenly Father blessed me with three beautiful, stubborn, healthy, sweet, energetic, loving souls that I get to mother every day. I made up my mind along time ago when we were trying for our first that when people were blessed with having a new baby, I would not let it make me sad instead I worked extra hard to be happy for them. And I truly was. It became natural not to think of my own struggle of getting pregnant and to be sincerely happy for my friends or family. I knew Heavenly Father had a different plan for me. He knew that my kids were going to be a hand full for me and were never going to sleep so he allowed Jeremy and I extra time alone to build our relationship (and get a few years of sleep before we would get none) so we could conquer what was to come.
I had three extremely difficult pregnancies which came with a very humbling experience. Having to depend on others to help take care of you, your kids and your house. It wasn't easy to accept the help but finally by the third pregnancy I realized that we all go through different trials and Heavenly Father would make sure that every single one of these people would be blessed for what they were doing. I feel he was teaching me to be more humble, more grateful, more sympathetic.
What I am about to share, I couldn't share with others until after my second for some but openly after my third pregnancy because I felt horrible about it. While I was pregnant with my first after six and a half months of being really sick I had a lot of guilty feelings. I felt like I wasn't normal, I felt like a failure sometimes. This wasn't a depression issue, I was truly happy. It was a feeling of comparing myself to other moms or pregnant women and feeling like I didn't measure up to what the other moms were doing. I never bonded with the child inside of me that was growing. I didn't read to the unborn baby, I didn't sit in the rocker and sing songs, I didn't feel some special connection with her. I do have to throw in the one thing I did once I started feeling better. I love to dance and I love music so anytime in the car I would pat my belly in hopes to help her feel the beat of the music. This wasn't really a connection thing I just wanted to teach her the beat of the music. I felt like an alien was inside of me, I didn't enjoy the experience as much as others seemed to be. I thought I was the worst person, I felt something had to be wrong with me, right? Don't get me wrong I was extremely happy to be having a child, this is what we tried for so long to accomplish. I just didn't have that bonding experience. As soon as she was born (and they cleaned her up) I had an instant love for her. She was perfect!
Three and a half years later after having a surgery and after talking with doctors we decided if we were going to have more children this was the time to do it. We got pregnant with our second and it was a boy. Same thing, I was extremely sick but only for five months this time but I still didn't feel that special bond that other mothers talk about. I still thought, is something wrong with me? I didn't feel as guilty as the first pregnancy only because I had gone through this before.
After the third pregnancy being the same I realized this was just what would be in store for me every single time. We decided we were for sure done going through these pregnancies being extremely sick, not being able to take care of my kids or myself.
One day it came to me....I knew why I didn't have that special bonding experience with my unborn children. It was because my Heavenly Father gave me a special blessing, one that would allow me to love a child no matter if they came from me or someone else. No matter their color or where they came from. I could have an instant love for any child that was meant to be a part of our family. I had a strong feeling of comfort for what I had experienced once I realized this was what Heavenly Father was trying to teach me.
Where our future takes us, that is undecided. But I now have a deeper relationship with our Father in Heaven because I know that he understands and loves each one of us. He knows what we go through and what we will go through. WE CAN'T FEEL JOY IF WE DON'T KNOW WHAT PAIN FEELS LIKE.
October 6, 2014
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