How can we feel JOY if we never feel PAIN?

As I clean my house today (well was cleaning but sat down to write this) my heart if full and my mind keeps wondering around the topic of adoption. I just can't get this off my mind lately. This has been an open topic for our family for the last twelve years.

I feel like every time I look on Facebook or the Internet some type of quote about adoption appears or someone post a new picture of their baby....does this make me sad?  Of course not, it makes me smile. I feel it is a sweet reminder from my Heavenly Father that He loves us all and everyone has their own set of trials in life.  The baby pictures remind me that Heavenly Father blessed me with three beautiful, stubborn, healthy, sweet, energetic, loving souls that I get to mother every day.  I made up my mind along time ago when we were trying for our first that when people were blessed with having a new baby, I would not let it make me sad instead I worked extra hard to be happy for them. And I truly was. It became natural not to think of my own struggle of getting pregnant and to be sincerely happy for my friends or family.  I knew Heavenly Father had a different plan for me.  He knew that my kids were going to be a hand full for me and were never going to sleep so he allowed Jeremy and I extra time alone to build our relationship (and get a few years of sleep before we would get none) so we could conquer what was to come.

I had three extremely difficult pregnancies which came with a very humbling experience.  Having to depend on others to help take care of you, your kids and your house.  It wasn't easy to accept the help but finally by the third pregnancy I realized that we all go through different trials and Heavenly Father would make sure that every single one of these people would be blessed for what they were doing.  I feel he was teaching me to be more humble, more grateful, more sympathetic. 

What I am about to share, I couldn't share with others until after my second for some but openly after my third pregnancy because I felt horrible about it.  While I was pregnant with my first after six and a half months of being really sick I had a lot of guilty feelings.  I felt like I wasn't normal, I felt like a failure sometimes.  This wasn't a depression issue, I was truly happy. It was a feeling of comparing myself to other moms or pregnant women and feeling like I didn't measure up to what the other moms were doing.   I never bonded with the child inside of me that was growing.  I didn't read to the unborn baby, I didn't sit in the rocker and sing songs, I didn't feel some special connection with her. I do have to throw in the one thing I did once I started feeling better. I love to dance and I love music so anytime in the car I would pat my belly in hopes to help her feel the beat of the music. This wasn't really a connection thing I just wanted to teach her the beat of the music.  I felt like an alien was inside of me, I didn't enjoy the experience as much as others seemed to be.  I thought I was the worst person, I felt something had to be wrong with me, right?  Don't get me wrong I was extremely happy to be having a child, this is what we tried for so long to accomplish. I just didn't have that bonding experience.  As soon as she was born (and they cleaned her up) I had an instant love for her.  She was perfect!

Three and a half years later after having a surgery and after talking with doctors we decided if we were going to have more children this was the time to do it.  We got pregnant with our second and it was a boy.  Same thing, I was extremely sick but only for five months this time but I still didn't feel that special bond that other mothers talk about.  I still thought, is something wrong with me?  I didn't feel as guilty as the first pregnancy only because I had gone through this before.

After the third pregnancy being the same I realized this was just what would be in store for me every single time.  We decided we were for sure done going through these pregnancies being extremely sick, not being able to take care of my kids or myself.

One day it came to me....I knew why I didn't have that special bonding experience with my unborn children.  It was because my Heavenly Father gave me a special blessing, one that would allow me to love a child no matter if they came from me or someone else.  No matter their color or where they came from. I could have an instant love for any child that was meant to be a part of our family.  I had a strong feeling of comfort for what I had experienced once I realized this was what Heavenly Father was trying to teach me.

Where our future takes us, that is undecided. But I now have a deeper relationship with our Father in Heaven because  I know that he understands and loves each one of us.  He knows what we go through and what we will go through.  WE CAN'T FEEL JOY IF WE DON'T KNOW WHAT PAIN FEELS LIKE.

Adoption

I try to bring this word up often to our kids for many reasons...for learning, understanding, making it a familiar word and to see what they think and how they feel about it. I don't think it's any secret that Jeremy and I have thought and prayed about adopting for the last eleven years or so on and off. But once we finally got pregnant with Savannah we decided to put that dream on hold.  After thinking Breckin would be our last baby that we had due to hard pregnancies and a hard time getting pregnant we were blessed with one more little sassy girl our little love, Ella. Now that Ella is almost two and a half years old the thought of adoption is in our hearts again. I never stopped reading up on the topic or watching videos and adoption stories. But I just knew it wasn't the right time. Who knows maybe it will never happen but we would love to grow our family and we know our father in heaven knows what is best for our family.

Last week I caught savannah watching a movie I had purchased on my iPad years ago about a story of adoption and she was so into it. I was worried that it might share too much information that a seven year old might shouldn't hear but after she begged me I told her yes and figured she wouldn't be interested in it but no, she watched it twice. A few days later driving in the car alone with the kids I asked them what they thought adoption was and Savannah answered "it's when you have a kid come into your family that doesn't have one. Like an orphan and you love it." I thought her answer was pretty accurate. I explained more in detail about it but I won't get into that. Anyways Breckin said he wanted a brother and Savannah said "Mom, can we just make sure she is older than me?" I asked her why and she said "so I don't have to do everything." I seriously laughed out loud. She said this because when she complains about doing what I ask or her chores I tell her I need her help more than her little brother and sister because she is the oldest and she needs to help me out. I just thought it was funny that is what she was thinking of. 

I always tried to not be sadden in not being able to get pregnant, instead I knew that adoption was an amazing experience also and that we could be blessed in that way. Three children later we have definitely been blessed and we look forward to what is instore for our little family. God bless everyone that is wanting to start a family and for those women out there who might feel lost in the direction of life they should go and how they should care for their baby. I just have one thing to say, PRAY. Whether you are the pregnant and praying for direction or you are a woman longing for motherhood, pray. Pray to feel peace in Gods plan for you, pray to feel His arms around you, pray to be comforted, pray to be patient, whatever you may be struggling with you can always pray to your Heavenly Father for strength and guidance. 

Breckin

As I'm laying here in bed with you in my arms, listening to you breath deeply and you are cuddled into me; I can't help but think about the day you decide you are too old to cuddle with me and it makes me sad. You were such a stubborn little boy but this last year you have become so loving. Every day you tell me I'm pretty, please don't stop doing that. You have no idea how happy and beautiful it makes me feel. Please remember  to do this for your future wife, she will need to hear this everyday.

I love your dimples when you smile and that smile is the cutest one around! I love that you want to be just like daddy. He is a good man to want to be like. I love your passion to fight, you love a good pile up. I love when people call you Breckin and you say "no, my name is Breckin J Hansen!!!" I love your passion for cars and the color blue. I love when we pass a sports car and you call it a hot wheel and then tell me that one day you are going to have a hot wheel. I love when you get out of bed and tell me that you just need to give me a kiss and a hug... You love to stall when it comes to bed time. But I won't lie it makes me happy when you say that. I love when you talk in your sleep... You just said "dad, I want blue". I wonder what you are dreaming of. 

I am so glad heavenly father sent me you! I didn't realize the love between a mom and son but I cherish it and hope that you will always be my little boy with dimples! I love you so much! Breckin, you are so handsome:)

Building our forever home 🏡

So needless to say we have been pretty busy the past six months with life and building a new home. We are about a week away from moving in and we couldn't be more excited. It doesn't seem real. I'm in awe. We have been so blessed and we hope with the new home we can make lots of new memories with our family and friends. We couldn't have made it to this point in or life without any of you, thank you.

Dozer

So one of our many names for Breckin is dozer as in bull dozer because he uses his head to doze anything or anyONE around. Tonight at bed time we were reading one of his favorite books, "Good Night, Good Night, Construction Sight" (very cute book by the way). We get to the page where it talks about the bull dozer going to bed and he just starts rambling on and making all these pouty faces and rolling his eyes with big huffs and puffs of his breath. He says, bull dozer pushed me! And my room! He keeps repeating it and then he says in a serious voice, my daddy pushed bull dozer. I asked him was it a toy bull dozer (thinking that maybe someone used a toy and pushed him) or was it a real bull dozer? He said a real bull dozer pushed me and my room. He just kept repeating himself. It was seriously one of the cutest conversations I've had with Breckin. He is talking so much and he is showing his imaginative side so much more. I just love that crazy kid!

Work it GURL!

So Savannah is in her third year of dance, I was so excited when she turned three and could start dancing at a studio. This is her first year being on a competition team. I am so excited for her...so maybe I live a little through my daughter. I just want her to have endless possibilities when she gets older. She is really excited and wants to win a purple trophy. Anyways I was able to catch a few pictures at her last class since my niece, Ammelia was there to help with Ella. Some days it would be great to have a nanny just so I am able to take pictures of my kids:) Savannah loves dancing at Devotion Dance Acadamy.

A few of my favorite things....

Savannah is getting so old! I love her so much. She is so helpful with Breckin and Ella, that is when her and Breckin are not fighting:) She still loves to wrestle with her Daddy and loves to shop with me. She loves going on dates without the other kids. She just got into the 100 club at school because she was able to count to 100 by herself. She is doing great with her reading and school work. I just love to listen to her socialize with friends, she is so dramatic!
Breckin has been getting help with his speech and he has improved so much! He is becoming much more social and he still loves car cars but now has a new love of Spider-Man. He said his name for the first time today, I was so proud of him and he now knows about five animals and there sounds. He is such a boy but we wouldn't trade this handsome little guy!
Ella is almost eleven months and she is so busy! She disappears and takes off up the stairs so fast! She loves to get attention since she doesn't get much because the other two crazy kids. She has been such a happy baby and we love her dearly.