My trials and my blessings

I am always asked about my history, my history of trying to have children. I have three biological children so many people don't realize my trials or don't empathize  with me so I usually don't seriously talk about it. I usually joke around about it and brush it off even though I am really hurting inside. And then I make myself really busy so I don't have as much time to think about my trials.  It's just my way of doing things. Almost a year and a half ago I did my final grieving about this subject.  No one really knew, I waited until Jeremy would be at work and my kids were either at school or busy playing. I did it alone but that is what I wanted. I didn't want to shout it to the world.  I wanted to quietly sit in my room listening to music, reading different materials and just crying and letting it all out. I was at a point in my life I needed to make an important decision. I will come back to this decision later and will start from the very beginning of my story. This will be a shorter version and I will have to leave out some important parts but for the sake of the length of this post I need to. 

When I was a teenager I would have horrible periods. But of course at that time in your life everyone thinks they have horrible periods. They didn't start getting really bad until I was around 15. I was really active so I would get lucky some months and not have a menstrual cycle. Those were my favorite months:) Then I had just turned 19 when I married Jeremy. I got on birth control (Yasmin) only because that's what you do right? I took it for about four months and then I couldn't handle the side affects any longer. It made my hair fall out, I had migraines, it made me nauseous and just flat out not myself. 

My periods started getting even more painful and it started effecting my work schedules. I would have to stay at home at the beginning of my period, luckily I was never fired. When I made it to work I would try to tough it out a lot but if I waited too long to go home my legs would actually become numb because the pain was so bad. Most of my friends would laugh at me and tell me I should never have kids because I couldn't handle pain. It hurt my feelings but I just let it roll off. I actually started to believe them. I thought everyone had periods where they can't walk and they just roll around on the floor moaning in pain. I started having pains that were happening at times I wasn't on my period and they just got worse. I was so swollen and bloated all the time and it would hurt to even walk.  I had so much pain in what felt like my ovaries. 

Since the time I stopped taking birth control Jeremy and I weren't really preventing anything from happening. Having intercourse killed me. I would just scream and cry and do my best to get through it. It was horrible. I really wanted a baby. But it just wasn't happening. I tried not to stress too much about it and just tried to rejoice when people around me got pregnant. But one person very close to me got pregnant. That was a hard time... I felt like I was doing everything in my power. I would ask my husband if maybe God could be punishing me for mistakes I made in life. I thought maybe I wasn't getting pregnant because I wasn't worthy enough. All sorts of thoughts go through your mind when you are facing fertility issues. 

The pain continued, people continued telling me it was in my head and I somewhat believed them. 

Finally I had enough, my pain was unbearable and so I decided to see my OB. I was so scared for her to do an exam because I knew how bad it would hurt. She asked me if I had ever been sexually abused because of how bad I was freaking out. I had already self diagnosed myself with endometriosis. It was seriously the only thing I could think of because I knew at this point that what I was going through could not be normal. Of course she said it could be endometriosis but the only way to actually find out would be to do a laparoscopy. At this time I was like no way I will just deal with it. But then my urine sample came back with blood and protein in it and so this started a whole new journey I would go on for over a year. I have never done so much blood work and urine samples in my life. They ended up doing a biopsy of my kidney and it was healthy but they couldn't figure out why I still had protein and blood in my urine. 

I finally got pregnant!!! Four years into our marriage it finally happened. And once it happened I was so sick!!! 24 hours a day and it lasted for seven months (the worst part of it lasted around five months) with my first. I was a high risk pregnancy because of my kidney issues and so I was lucky, I got to do more urine samples and bloodwork.  I couldn't keep any food or water down. Of course I just thought this was normal. I would try to tough it out I had to get IV therapy a few times. I should've got IV's more but I felt like the biggest wuss. People are pregnant everyday right? I thought why can't I handle this? I would cry everyday when I woke up and it wasn't the day that the sickness would end. People told me I would forget about this and would want more kids... I thought they were crazy! (I never forgot!....but I did want more kids)

A few months after having Savannah the pain started back and in full force. I just did my best to not let it affect me. I actually got used to living in pain. The days where I wasn't in pain it was so weird. Then one night I dropped to the ground screaming and Jeremy didn't know what to do. I told him I needed to go to the ER and I remember him asking if it was just gas...I think that was the only moment in my life that I really wanted to kill someone. Did my husband really ask me if it was just gas? We see a doctor and they did some unpleasant vaginal ultrasounds and found out I had a cyst that had erupted. That was literally the most painful thing I have ever experienced.  We all have cyst and that's ok but when they fill up with blood it is called an endometrioma. And they hurt really bad when they burst. Anyways, I needed to see my OB and he set me up to see someone that could do my surgery for my endometriosis. 

I had my laparoscopy and not only was my endometriosis a stage four but it had grown and blocked one of my tubes and then my other tube was actually blocked from a birth defect. I also had some intestenial defects that he worked on. A buy one get one free deal:) 

So Savannah was truly a miracle baby! My doctor talked to me about if I wanted more children or not. I told him yes but I wasn't actually ready quite yet. He told me if I wanted to get pregnant I would want to try right after my surgery. We were instructed to have intercourse every other day so we didn't miss our opportunity. My doctor said for the first three months after my surgery I had about a 60% chance of getting pregnant and then after three months it went down to 30-40% and then the longer I wait the lower my chance is. That extremely stressed me out because I felt like I had to get pregnant within the first three months. I wasn't pregnant and it was one week before it had been three months so my doctor decided that we should make an appointment with an in vitro specialists. I did not want to do in vitro but I kinda felt like this was my only choice. I decided to give it my all until that appointment. I ended up getting pregnant within the last few days of my three months! I was so excited and I was so excited thinking this would be my second pregnancy and I had been told every pregnancy is different.  So I thought there is no way I would be that sick again. Well I was wrong! I did IV therapy again. And I just constantly threw up. I googled everything I could find and tried everything to help with the nauseousness. And just waited until that day I would wake up and feel better. My sickness only lasted 5 1/2 this time. I had a little boy named Breckin. He was perfect. 

After he was born I thought I would give birth control a chance again. I tried four different ones and they made me so sick I just couldn't convince myself to take it.  I figured my chances of getting pregnant were slim so I didn't worry too much about it. 

One day I woke up with the flu and I still had it two weeks later... (Not really the flu)

Breckin was about seven months old when I realized I was pregnant. The sickness was the worst out of all my pregnancies. I didn't even think that was possible.  I vomited so much my body had nothing left in me but it still went through the motions. I was literally foaming at the mouth and would throw up blood. It was horrible. I went in to get IV therapy and they wanted me back in there every couple days to switch out the IV's. Well my veins started collapsing and rejecting the IV's. So they ended up putting a picc line in. I felt like I mentally and physically could not make it through another horrible pregnancy. I literally wanted to die! I won't go into every detail but let's just say I was deathly sick! I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) and I realized ok I'm not a wuss... Every pregnancy people would talk to me and say I know how you feel morning sickness is horrible. I literally wanted to go off on them and I have to be real honest for a second I wanted to do much worse than that to them:) but I would just smile and say yes morning sickness is horrible. Each pregnancy I would actually go through a month or so that I couldn't even talk to my husband because every time I moved my mouth I would vomit.

 

During my pregnancies I can't take care of my children. Which with my first pregnancy I didn't have to worry about that and then when I was pregnant with Breckin, Savannah was almost three so I literally would sit out boxes of cereal and crackers and a sippy cup on the floor and put on the tv and she literally took care of herself. But Breckin was only seven months old when I got pregnant with Ella. So my mom would come over at 6:00 am and stay until around 6:00 or 7:00 pm and then Jeremy would take care of the kids. This lasted for 6 1/2 months. 

During this time I literally hated God. I know it sounds horrible but when you have to depend on everyone else and can't take care of your babies you feel horrible. I couldn't understand why it was so hard to get pregnant with my first two and then boom here is my third. I was so upset with him! 

Once Ella was born I realized that he sent me a blessing. He knew that the next few years my endometriosis would get worse and I realized it's not on my time it's on his timing. She needed to come to our family. 

The next year would be trying for me because Breckin literally hated me. He would scream when anyone left him with me. I was dealing with a newborn and trying to deal with a toddler throwing his limbs everywhere when Jeremy would go to work. I would sit at home and cry because my son didn't like me. Luckily he outgrew that and loved me again. 

My pain of course came back after Ella (the pain from endometriosis goes away when you are pregnant) and it got really bad. It started ruling my life again. You just learn how to deal with it on a daily basis but it doesn't mean you are happy about it. My menstual cycles got really heavy and was so painful. I knew I needed to go see my doctor again but I knew it was going to be that appointment that I needed to decide to keep doing laparoscopies or to have a hysterectomy. I did not want to ever go through being pregnant again but I also was having a hard time saying take everything out. So that's when I did some personal soul searching and took time to grieve. In January of 2015 Jeremy and I went to the temple and knew this was the right time to start the adoption process. Well 2015 was full of travels and events and life just got crazy. But traveling with the periods I was having was emotionally  and physically exhausting. I dealt with a lot of stuggles in 2015 and finally made my appointment I was dreading with my OB in October. We decided that the best thing to do would be to take out my uterus and my tubes but leave my ovaries until a later time. I went to the temple once I had made my decision and was scheduled for surgery on December 15th. I did not expect what was going to happen next. 

I told them of my allergy to medical adhesive and they said they would use glue. 

I came home after my hysterectomy and was so itchy... I was trying to not take any of my pain killers because when I have surgery I have a hard time going to the bathroom if I'm on pain killers. My doctor was out of town during this so I was communicating with a nurse at his office. She didn't realize how bad it was and I actually ended up having Jeremy take me to the Instacare because I couldn't handle it anymore. 

At my two week check up my doctor felt horrible for the rash and said he had never seen anything like this. He ended up sending my pictures to corporate because he doesn't like the prep they make him use. Which is what I'm allergic to. He said it actually burned my body. 

Anyways we are currently working on our paperwork for adoption. We couldn't be more excited to grow our family.  When I am pregnant I used to struggle with this because I never bonded with the baby inside of me. I thought something was wrong with me. But after three pregnancies I realized why I don't bond during pregnancies. Because Heavenly Father had given me the ability to not need to carry a child to be able to love him or her. I have always felt like adoption was a beautiful thing and now it is what will grow our family.  

Be humbled

I checked my rash today like I do often and it is still there just in a shade of tan. I was feeling down about it and worrying what it is going to look like when I wear a swimsuit this summer. And will it always be a different shade of color than the rest of my body? And then I had a moment that hit me strong. I was checking out at a home decor store and the cashier started making this noise and I thought he was about to start vomiting. Then I realized he kept doing it but his body kept twitching uncontrollably. He didn't have full control of his arms.  I do not know from what disease he suffers but I was humbled to know that what I am dealing with there are people all around us dealing with something that they would gladly trade you for. This was just a reminder to me from my Father in Heaven to remember to be grateful. We do not know what tomorrow will bring. Though we may feel we are going through a hard trial and you probably are, just remember everyone is going through some sort of trial. The person that didn't smile back to you or didn't jump in joy when you told them your good news or the angry and frustrated mom... remember they could be going through one of the hardest trials they have had to face. I hope I can keep that I can keep this reminder in my heart and mind. 

Wishes

Savannah and Breckin ran in my room tonight and said "Mom, do wishes really come true?" I said what do you mean? She told me that Breckin and her had been pulling out their eyelashes and making wishes. They wished that I would have a baby boy. But then she was worried because she didn't want me to be sick again. She was worried that her wish would come true and I would be sick. These moments are hard. But it's also very sweet that she worried so much about me. I am so blessed to have my three little crazy Angels and I love them. I'm not the perfect mom but I try my best to be what my kids need. I love you Savannah, Breckin and Ella and I hope all your wishes come true!

How can we feel JOY if we never feel PAIN?

As I clean my house today (well was cleaning but sat down to write this) my heart if full and my mind keeps wondering around the topic of adoption. I just can't get this off my mind lately. This has been an open topic for our family for the last twelve years.

I feel like every time I look on Facebook or the Internet some type of quote about adoption appears or someone post a new picture of their baby....does this make me sad?  Of course not, it makes me smile. I feel it is a sweet reminder from my Heavenly Father that He loves us all and everyone has their own set of trials in life.  The baby pictures remind me that Heavenly Father blessed me with three beautiful, stubborn, healthy, sweet, energetic, loving souls that I get to mother every day.  I made up my mind along time ago when we were trying for our first that when people were blessed with having a new baby, I would not let it make me sad instead I worked extra hard to be happy for them. And I truly was. It became natural not to think of my own struggle of getting pregnant and to be sincerely happy for my friends or family.  I knew Heavenly Father had a different plan for me.  He knew that my kids were going to be a hand full for me and were never going to sleep so he allowed Jeremy and I extra time alone to build our relationship (and get a few years of sleep before we would get none) so we could conquer what was to come.

I had three extremely difficult pregnancies which came with a very humbling experience.  Having to depend on others to help take care of you, your kids and your house.  It wasn't easy to accept the help but finally by the third pregnancy I realized that we all go through different trials and Heavenly Father would make sure that every single one of these people would be blessed for what they were doing.  I feel he was teaching me to be more humble, more grateful, more sympathetic. 

What I am about to share, I couldn't share with others until after my second for some but openly after my third pregnancy because I felt horrible about it.  While I was pregnant with my first after six and a half months of being really sick I had a lot of guilty feelings.  I felt like I wasn't normal, I felt like a failure sometimes.  This wasn't a depression issue, I was truly happy. It was a feeling of comparing myself to other moms or pregnant women and feeling like I didn't measure up to what the other moms were doing.   I never bonded with the child inside of me that was growing.  I didn't read to the unborn baby, I didn't sit in the rocker and sing songs, I didn't feel some special connection with her. I do have to throw in the one thing I did once I started feeling better. I love to dance and I love music so anytime in the car I would pat my belly in hopes to help her feel the beat of the music. This wasn't really a connection thing I just wanted to teach her the beat of the music.  I felt like an alien was inside of me, I didn't enjoy the experience as much as others seemed to be.  I thought I was the worst person, I felt something had to be wrong with me, right?  Don't get me wrong I was extremely happy to be having a child, this is what we tried for so long to accomplish. I just didn't have that bonding experience.  As soon as she was born (and they cleaned her up) I had an instant love for her.  She was perfect!

Three and a half years later after having a surgery and after talking with doctors we decided if we were going to have more children this was the time to do it.  We got pregnant with our second and it was a boy.  Same thing, I was extremely sick but only for five months this time but I still didn't feel that special bond that other mothers talk about.  I still thought, is something wrong with me?  I didn't feel as guilty as the first pregnancy only because I had gone through this before.

After the third pregnancy being the same I realized this was just what would be in store for me every single time.  We decided we were for sure done going through these pregnancies being extremely sick, not being able to take care of my kids or myself.

One day it came to me....I knew why I didn't have that special bonding experience with my unborn children.  It was because my Heavenly Father gave me a special blessing, one that would allow me to love a child no matter if they came from me or someone else.  No matter their color or where they came from. I could have an instant love for any child that was meant to be a part of our family.  I had a strong feeling of comfort for what I had experienced once I realized this was what Heavenly Father was trying to teach me.

Where our future takes us, that is undecided. But I now have a deeper relationship with our Father in Heaven because  I know that he understands and loves each one of us.  He knows what we go through and what we will go through.  WE CAN'T FEEL JOY IF WE DON'T KNOW WHAT PAIN FEELS LIKE.

Adoption

I try to bring this word up often to our kids for many reasons...for learning, understanding, making it a familiar word and to see what they think and how they feel about it. I don't think it's any secret that Jeremy and I have thought and prayed about adopting for the last eleven years or so on and off. But once we finally got pregnant with Savannah we decided to put that dream on hold.  After thinking Breckin would be our last baby that we had due to hard pregnancies and a hard time getting pregnant we were blessed with one more little sassy girl our little love, Ella. Now that Ella is almost two and a half years old the thought of adoption is in our hearts again. I never stopped reading up on the topic or watching videos and adoption stories. But I just knew it wasn't the right time. Who knows maybe it will never happen but we would love to grow our family and we know our father in heaven knows what is best for our family.

Last week I caught savannah watching a movie I had purchased on my iPad years ago about a story of adoption and she was so into it. I was worried that it might share too much information that a seven year old might shouldn't hear but after she begged me I told her yes and figured she wouldn't be interested in it but no, she watched it twice. A few days later driving in the car alone with the kids I asked them what they thought adoption was and Savannah answered "it's when you have a kid come into your family that doesn't have one. Like an orphan and you love it." I thought her answer was pretty accurate. I explained more in detail about it but I won't get into that. Anyways Breckin said he wanted a brother and Savannah said "Mom, can we just make sure she is older than me?" I asked her why and she said "so I don't have to do everything." I seriously laughed out loud. She said this because when she complains about doing what I ask or her chores I tell her I need her help more than her little brother and sister because she is the oldest and she needs to help me out. I just thought it was funny that is what she was thinking of. 

I always tried to not be sadden in not being able to get pregnant, instead I knew that adoption was an amazing experience also and that we could be blessed in that way. Three children later we have definitely been blessed and we look forward to what is instore for our little family. God bless everyone that is wanting to start a family and for those women out there who might feel lost in the direction of life they should go and how they should care for their baby. I just have one thing to say, PRAY. Whether you are the pregnant and praying for direction or you are a woman longing for motherhood, pray. Pray to feel peace in Gods plan for you, pray to feel His arms around you, pray to be comforted, pray to be patient, whatever you may be struggling with you can always pray to your Heavenly Father for strength and guidance. 

Breckin

As I'm laying here in bed with you in my arms, listening to you breath deeply and you are cuddled into me; I can't help but think about the day you decide you are too old to cuddle with me and it makes me sad. You were such a stubborn little boy but this last year you have become so loving. Every day you tell me I'm pretty, please don't stop doing that. You have no idea how happy and beautiful it makes me feel. Please remember  to do this for your future wife, she will need to hear this everyday.

I love your dimples when you smile and that smile is the cutest one around! I love that you want to be just like daddy. He is a good man to want to be like. I love your passion to fight, you love a good pile up. I love when people call you Breckin and you say "no, my name is Breckin J Hansen!!!" I love your passion for cars and the color blue. I love when we pass a sports car and you call it a hot wheel and then tell me that one day you are going to have a hot wheel. I love when you get out of bed and tell me that you just need to give me a kiss and a hug... You love to stall when it comes to bed time. But I won't lie it makes me happy when you say that. I love when you talk in your sleep... You just said "dad, I want blue". I wonder what you are dreaming of. 

I am so glad heavenly father sent me you! I didn't realize the love between a mom and son but I cherish it and hope that you will always be my little boy with dimples! I love you so much! Breckin, you are so handsome:)

Building our forever home 🏡

So needless to say we have been pretty busy the past six months with life and building a new home. We are about a week away from moving in and we couldn't be more excited. It doesn't seem real. I'm in awe. We have been so blessed and we hope with the new home we can make lots of new memories with our family and friends. We couldn't have made it to this point in or life without any of you, thank you.